EP19 - Best Strategies to Raise Emotionally Resilient Kids

Shaista Fatehali: 00:00:04

Imagine being present calm and connected, while creating a family environment where everyone can thrive.

Dimple Arora: 00:00:15

Welcome to the IM mom parenting podcast, providing inspiration and actionable steps to manifest the meaningful and magical life you desire for you and your family.

Shaista Fatehali: 00:00:28

We are your hosts dimple, Aurora, founder and mindful evolution and shape the daily founder of Thrive kids.

Dimple Arora: 00:00:37

Thank you for sharing the I am mom journey with us. Let's get started.

Shaista Fatehali: 00:00:44

Hello, and we are so glad to have you back with us today. dimple and I are going to talk about emotional resilience. In this week's topic, we're going to talk about what emotional resilience is, why it matters, the influences of emotional resilience traits and how you can build emotional resilience in your children. Now, emotional resilience is a really big topic. But in order to summarize it, it basically refers to one's ability to adapt to stressful situations, or Crisis crises that may occur. So I'm not just really really big events, but even small stressful situations that might might occur, right. So people who are resilient, are able to kind of roll with the punches, and they are able to adapt to adversity without huge lasting difficulties.

Dimple Arora: 00:01:51

Oh, yeah, this is a great topic. And children are faced with so much these days, there's so much pressure around us, especially with what's going on in the world. And pressure could range from like school stress and bullying, to worrying about what's going on in the household, to even concerns about their own body image, for example. So we can't remove all of these challenges in one's life. But what we can do is teach our kids how to cope with stress and adversity and come out on the other side positively and having learned something. And in order to deal with all of life's challenges, we have to model that to our children so that they are prepared for the ups and downs of daily life.

Shaista Fatehali: 00:02:44

Yeah, I love how you said, we cannot take away the challenges because we can't right. But we are able to take control and provide this for our children right. Now one thing that I really noticed, particularly in the classroom, and this does start in kindergarten is the comparison they have to others. And when they compare themselves to others, there's a fear of failure that occurs. So fortunately, though, when kids are emotionally resilient, they don't particularly have this fear of failing or falling short of expectations. Because they are able to take these healthy risks, they are able to push themselves outside of their comfort zone. And then guess what they are going to be able to reach their long term goals. And they're also going to be able to internalize a message. And the message is that they are strong, and they are capable.

Dimple Arora: 00:03:51

Amazing. I think it's so important because there's so much information that's that's that our brain is taking in around us. And it's important to know that resilience can be taught to children, it can be modeled by us. And it can be nurtured at any age. It's actually a skill and a trait that can develop with time. And we need to help our young people understand that when they feel down, there's things they can do to help themselves feel better. So I want to there are so many traits when we talk about emotional resilience. And we don't we could probably do an entire workshop on this topic. But what we're going to do today is we're going to give you a few of the traits and we're going to speak about the work of Dr. Ginzburg. He's a child pediatrician and human development expert. And what he proposed is that there are seven integral components that make up being resilient and we're going to go through each one with you They're called the seven C's. And we're going to briefly explain each one and then give you some strategies that you can use with your children to build that skill. Okay, so the for all actually give you all seven right now and then we'll go through each one. So the seven C's are competence, confidence, connection, character, contribution, coping, and control. Okay, so each of these can enhance your child's as well as yourself, your ability to become a resilient person.

Shaista Fatehali: 00:05:43

So those are, I love how it's broken down into those seven seeds. Because you're right, there's so many traits, but even I had a hard time remembering what those traits are, and pointing them out. But having it as the seven C's really puts into a nice little bucket there.

Dimple Arora: 00:06:00

Exactly. So competence is the ability to know how to handle stressful situations effectively. So having the skills to feel competent to handle anything that's that comes your way. So there's a few things that we can do to help our child become competent.

Shaista Fatehali: 00:06:21

Yeah, and one of those ways is to promote healthy risk taking, okay. And one way that you can do this is just push your child to go outside of their comfort zone, but going outside of their comfort zone that results in very little harm if they are unsuccessful. Right. So examples of this is trying a new sport, participating in a school play, striking up a conversation with someone who is shy, because when they're able to take this risk that is supported and is outside just outside of their comfort zone, they are going to internalize this message, right, that they are strong enough to hope to handle challenges. And as well as be able to embrace risks, and push themselves as well. Right? So it's really important in order to build this competence to promote healthy risk taking,

Dimple Arora: 00:07:30

I love that, I love that. And now the the belief in their ability is rooted in in competence, actually. So that actually takes us into the second C, which is confidence. So the way that children gain confidence is by being able to demonstrate their competence. Okay, so we want to enhance their self confidence. And the way we do that is use words that promote their strengths. So we can, we can acknowledge and recognize their strengths and help them to recognize their strengths by using wording that helps them to recognize their strengths.

Shaista Fatehali: 00:08:18

Yeah, absolutely. I think that is so important. And again, because we do live in a world where failure is highlighted, right? or fear of failure is unacceptable, which brings us to embracing mistakes, right? So failures will lack or sorry, failure avoiders, I should say, lack resilience, right. And when you think of someone who was afraid of failing, you think of a highly anxious person, actually, even when I say that I can feel anxiety in my body. Now, this is a result of getting caught up in a pass and fail cycle, right or an end result. Either you succeed, or you don't, right. And if you don't, if you don't get that pass or that a you have failed, right? So what happens is this causes risk avoidance, and knowing that it is okay to make mistakes and failure is just feedback will enable your child to see that mistakes can be embraced. And when that happens, it can promote a growth mindset. And it gives the message that mistakes will help them learn.

Dimple Arora: 00:09:47

Actually, one of the things that we can also do to help them realize that mistakes are actually beautiful learning experiences as even sometimes use a sense of humor, right so that can actually share Someone's perspective from seeing the mistake as like a threat or a failure to seeing it as more like a challenge. And so that will alter their actual brain response to that stress and that mistake.

Shaista Fatehali: 00:10:15

Yeah, exactly. And it's also important for them to see how they can learn from their mistakes, but also how to problem solve, right? Because, again, that is going to give them the confidence, we always want to, as parents go in and fix things or jump in, right and take over. It's not it's normal, it's a natural response, right. But if we are able to recognize that ourselves as parents, and then give our kids the tools to problem solve, or use strategic questions to help them problem solve and bounce back from the problem, then what's going to happen is kids will come up with their own solutions right now, not that you don't engage in it, you can engage in this process, but what we want to try and get away from is going in and fix it, fixing it for them right away. because our goal is to increase their confidence level, so that their competence level also increases.

Dimple Arora: 00:11:29

Absolutely. And when we look at getting them to be self motivated to overcome these challenges, and be confident enough to develop that competence, the way we do that is leads me to the third C which is connection. So kids who have strong close connections to family members, to friends, to community groups, to a mentor, they feel more secure, and more a more sense of belonging. So it's really important to foster relationships for our kids, so that they have that sense of belonging. And if you look at the metaphysical root of that, it's like building their, their their belonging in the world, it's building their first energy center of their body, which is like their root chakra, so that they are confident enough to feel like they belong here. Okay, and then they are more likely to act according to their value system, rather than seek out destructive behaviors. So, connection is so important, and we can be a good parent to them by giving them the opportunity to foster connection.

Shaista Fatehali: 00:12:56

Mm hmm. And that also involves building this connection with your children, right? Because remember, kids are going to develop coping skills skills, with in the context of a caring relationship. So this caring relationship is key. And the key to building a caring relationship is connection. When kids know that there's unconditional support, either from from a parent or family member, sometimes even a teacher, that is when they're going to feel empowered. That is when they're going to make the attempts to step outside of their comfort zone. That is when they're going to seek guidance. And that is when again, their confidence level will grow as well, their competence. Exactly.

Dimple Arora: 00:13:57

So you're starting to see how these are all very connected, right. And now, one of the ways to, to foster the connection with your child to I have to say is spend alone time with each child individually. It's so important with whether you have one child or you have five and I know that's not always easy to do, and it doesn't have to be every day, but trying to spend some alone time to give that child that that parent child connection will really go a long way in helping them feel connected to you and probably more cooperative with you as well.

Shaista Fatehali: 00:14:33

Yeah, I always say to parents, you don't have to give 100% 100% of the time, right to 100% of your children. So with all your children, whether it's one or it is like eight, right? But I think that even if you are able to give some amount of time to each of your child and do it 100% at that time whether it is five minutes, or I don't know, three hours, right, their child is going to feel that sense of connection,

Dimple Arora: 00:15:10

such a great point. And by giving our children these opportunities to form these healthy relationships and bonds and form these connections, it's gonna build their character, which is the fourth C of being resilient, it's building their character, so they enjoy a strong sense of self worth, and confidence, which then makes them more competent and more resilient. So they're going to be more in touch with their values, they're going to have more empathy, they're going to be able to to be more caring towards other, they will be able to determine right from wrong more easily. So it's very important to build these character traits in our children. And we can do that in a variety of ways.

Shaista Fatehali: 00:16:02

Yeah, and one of those ways is to really recognize and help your child label emotions, because this is part of their character, right? So emotions are going to be there, right and teach your kids right that feelings are important. And really labeling their feelings can help them make sense in their minds of what's going on and what they're experiencing. And tell them that it's okay, you're feeling that it is okay, that you're feeling jealous, it is okay that you're feeling anxious, giving them the strategies then to deal with that, and reassuring them that these feelings will eventually pass.

Dimple Arora: 00:16:49

Such such a good point, because the fifth C is coping, coping is is is part of being resilient. And when children have a wide, wide range of tools to use to help deal with their emotions and, and structure like, for example, stress reduction skills, right, teaching them how to breathe properly, so maybe, you know, smell the roses and blow up the candles. So teaching them breathing exercise, so it's going to help them cope more effectively. And that's going to help them overcome life's challenges. Because if we don't have these tools and strategies, we can not deal with life and the everyday stresses, we need coping strategies, and we're in a time where movement is not an option. It's a stress reduction activity. It's not an option anymore. Meditation, it's not an option anymore. You know, good sleep, it's not an option anymore. Because we are being bombarded with constant stresses, even things like EMF send, what's going on in the world and the news, and we're constantly bombarded. So we need these coping skills, and we must pass them on to our children at a young age.

Shaista Fatehali: 00:18:09

Hmm, yeah, absolutely. And I think with teaching them with young kids, it's also important to demonstrate them, right. So doing it with your children, is going to be so effective. And again, that's also going to help build a connection with your kids.

Dimple Arora: 00:18:32

You know, I love one of the things to help kids cope, I find really a good way to help them be resilient in this area is to teach them delayed gratification. So you can't always have what you want, as soon as you want it. That is definitely going to help them to be more happier in life more. Like they won't be so addicted to getting the reward right away. It's a really important skill. And one of the ways that experts believe teaching the skill. One of the ways to teach the skill that experts believes works is playing board games. So it requires them to have impulse control and mental flexibility and learning how to take their turn. So it helps them to be more resilient and almost teaching them how to be like a good loser.

Shaista Fatehali: 00:19:31

Right, exactly. And I think that is sorry, I think that is really important in today's day and age because we're, you know, we're in this world where sometimes it's like, oh, everybody wins. And although that is that can be good in some cases, but it's not good at all. It won't be beneficial for children in all circumstances, because it Not going to build resilience, and they're not going to learn how to cope because there's nothing to cope with. Right. So, I believe that is so, so important. I love that idea of board games and, and you know, playing it fairly and if the child loses helping them to cope, right, because I know like, often times, particularly if the child is really young, as a parent, you kind of want to lose so they can when they get so happy by, you know, having those moments where they do you lose so that you're able to manage the coping that they need, right for in that case.

Dimple Arora: 00:20:43

That's so true. And a we live in a world where gratification is is instant, these days. For example, check out these Netflix shows we can binge the entire series in one sitting, right?

Shaista Fatehali: 00:20:57

Yeah, or Amazon, you just go like if I want something inside my doorstep.

Dimple Arora: 00:21:02

Exactly, exactly. So we can teach them how to say master a new sport. I think piano and instruments are a really good one, you know, it teaches a step by step you need to master the skill before you move to the next like, things like that, that will help them to not skip steps, right to encourage that delayed gratification. Mm hmm.

Shaista Fatehali: 00:21:25

Yep, exactly.

Dimple Arora: 00:21:26

And so that brings us to the next C, which is the sixth one, which is control. So what we want to teach kids is to have some control over their choices and to be empowered, and to help them understand they have the control to make decisions, and that their actions lead to circumstances and they have consequences. Okay, so teaching them how to make choices in a way that they can bounce back from life's challenges. And one

Shaista Fatehali: 00:22:00

of the ways to do this is actually to promote optimism, right? Because optimism and resiliency, go hand in hand, there's always going to be a bright side or a different side to an experience, right. So some kids, you know, they might be born more optimistic than others. But a lot of the times, this is something that we're going to have to model and nurture for our children. Right. So acknowledging that every experience is going to have a different side, you are going to be able to reframe your child's thoughts, and then they're going to be able to find the positive. And once they're able to do that, they're going to see that they do have control in the thoughts that that have been percolating in their mind.

Dimple Arora: 00:22:55

so important to point out and research shows that people who are more optimistic are actually more likely to bounce back from life's challenges. And they are indeed more resilient people. And they are more likely to not hold on to a victim mentality, but rather have an empowered mentality. And that's when choices open up for them in life. Right. So that is really important to, to help kids understand that they can make empowered choices, and it's their thoughts that are going to lead to the emotion that is then going to influence the behavior and the action that they take, which is then going to influence the result that shows up in their life. So when we teach them that flow from our thought to our results, that actually helps them have more control, and gives them a sense of having empowered choice. So our seventh C then and it's the last one that I feel like so important, is helping children understand that although they are one person, they can personally contribute to the world world. So the seven C is contribution. So they can learn the powerful concept that the world is a better place because they are in it. And there's many ways we can do that.

Shaista Fatehali: 00:24:34

Yeah, and one of the ways to do that we talked about building connection amongst family, but also building connection outside of your family, right, whether it's your local community or faith based organization, and having opportunities where your child can connect with the whether it's the elders or the leaders there, right Having an opportunity to contribute like volunteering, or sharing something that they like to do with the members in that group.

Dimple Arora: 00:25:11

Yes, and it's a really good point, I find that a lot of families find this in, in an a faith in their faith based communities, they find opportunities for contribution and in their spiritual communities. So that's also a very good way to give them an opportunity to contribute. But also even on a daily basis at home, is helping the child to feel like they are a part of a team. So again, we've talked about this, I believe in other episodes, but fostering that team environment at home, helping them to help you and be part of making the environment at home and an efficient one, and a happy one and an empowered one.

Shaista Fatehali: 00:25:54

Yeah, absolutely. And then you can see how all of these C's, I keep thinking of a C like contribute to, to the to each other, right, yeah, they really go hand in hand. Because when you do have that opportunity for them to contribute, what's going up, and they're going to feel competent and confident. And they are going to want to feel as though they want to contribute, right. And they are going to grow up to be emotionally resilient children.

Dimple Arora: 00:26:32

Yeah, it's it's such a great topic. And I'm glad we're able to bring some insights to it today. And the last thing I want to just remind all parents is that we want them to be able to get good sleep and have nutritious food, because our sleep and our nutrition has a very significant impact on on one's mental health. So basically what we eat if we're eating poor quality food or high processed food, that's going to send a stress signal to the brain. So what we want to do is minimize the stress signals that are sent to the brain. We want them to feel that they are in control of their life, even when it comes to eating and sleeping is also very important, because we want them to get that good sleep so that they can have the ability to deal with life better. And that is what's going to help them to be resilient. Yeah, beautiful. So just to recap the seven seas, I'll give them to you again here. So they are competence, confidence, connection, character, coping, control and contribution. So we hope that you will put these into use use some of the strategies here today. And remember that resilience is not something that you have or you don't have, a person has resilience to a to varying degrees and how they handle stress is how your children learn to handle stress is really going to depend on what you model to them and and the opportunities that you give them to be more resilient people.

Shaista Fatehali: 00:28:25

Thank you so much for joining us today and we'll talk to you next time.

Dimple Arora: 00:28:35

Thank you for joining us on the IM mom parenting journey. If you enjoyed today's episode, please follow us and head on over to iTunes to leave us a review.

Shaista Fatehali: 00:28:44

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