EP13 - The Four Seasons That Every Couple Goes Through With Guest Allison Villa

Unknown: 00:00:04

Imagine being present calm and connected, while creating a family environment where everyone can thrive.

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Welcome to the IM mom parenting podcast, providing inspiration and actionable steps to manifest the meaningful and magical life you desire for you and your family.

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We are your hosts dimple, Aurora, founder and mindful evolution and shape the daily founder of Thrive kids. Thank you for sharing the I am mom journey with us. Let's get started .

Dimple Arora: 00:00:44

Hi, and welcome back to the I am mom podcast today we have a very special guest with us to speak about our own couple relationships. Now we can all relate to the challenges that we face as parents, while trying to keep our romantic relationships alive and thriving. So one of the intentions of our podcast, as you know is to help you create a family environment where everyone can thrive. And that includes you and your partner in couplehood. So today, we welcome Allison Villa to the podcast. She is a wife, mother of two girls, a psychotherapist and relationship expert. She's the host of the couplehood podcast, and creator of the four relationship seasons. Welcome, Alison, we are so happy to have you. Hello, hello, I'm really happy to be here looking forward to our conversation. So excited to speak on this topic. It's it's so important for all of us, as moms to be to feel fulfilled in this area of our lives. So we're excited to learn from you.

Allison Villa: 00:01:56

It's so important we we invest so much time and energy into how to parent our children. And we need that reminder that our happiness, our connection to our own partners is is that's where it starts, right the top down. So our own joy and happiness is so important in our parenting.

Unknown: 00:02:19

And it affects our kids in every way because they're watching us and they're watching how we handle love and relationships.

Unknown: 00:02:28

Absolutely, absolutely. And the study of epigenetics, which is how our lifestyle impacts our genes, there's research and evidence to show that how we experience love. So how our children experience witnessing the love of their parents, that gets passed down and affects how they read their own genes. It's really, really incredible. It's life changing stuff I I like to say how we love each other today lives on in generations to come. It's the ultimate legacy.

Unknown: 00:03:02

Amazing, I was just gonna read that quote, because I know that's an amazing, famous quote of yours. And it is so true. It's absolutely true. So I know that you have a process that you say every couple goes through what's called the four relationship seasons. So I would love to dive into that. Yes.

Unknown: 00:03:24

So I created the four relationship seasons, because I was noticing these patterns in my own marriage. And then also, these patterns were recurring in my private practice with my individual clients, that would be you know, what we bring to most therapy sessions is our relationships and the things that we're unpacking about those relationships. And then I would also see them in real time when I'm working with couples. And so through my real life lived experience and the noticing these patterns that every single relationship goes through, I realize we all go through ups and downs, highs and lows. But when we go through these lows, we tend to judge ourselves. So you know, we all have feelings, and then we judge ourselves are having the feelings, right? It's the same thing with our relationships. And I thought, Oh my gosh, if I can only find a way to name these seasons that we go through very naturally throughout our lifetimes. And we go through the seasons over and over and over again, which I'll get into. But my whole intention was if we can name it, and normalize it, then it takes the self judgment out of the lower times that every relationship really truly goes through.

Unknown: 00:04:41

Absolutely. I say so. You talk a lot about naming feelings.

Shaista Fatehali: 00:04:46

Yes, I do. I talk a lot about naming feelings, especially with with younger kids and just, you know, there's that quote, you can tame it if you name it, right. So really under Standing that and I would love to know more about what you mean about naming these feelings when you're working with couples. Mm hmm.

Unknown: 00:05:09

So naming the seasons, there's four seasons. And they are coping, coasting connected and confident. If you think about the seasons and the weather, they always flow one flows into the next into the next into the next we don't jump from summer, to the winter, for example, right, we've always got, we've got summer, which then goes into the fall, and then we go into the winter. And then spring is that transition again, and we were back into the summer. So it's the same idea. With the relationship seasons, for example, you wouldn't jump from the coping season, to the confidence season, you would flow through coping and then to co scene and then to confident, are connected and then confidence. So they they flow very organically, and every couple has their own timeline for how long they would be in each season. But once we're able to recognize like, Oh, yeah, we're in the coping season, right now, as soon as you can name it. Like think about if it's springtime, you're like, Oh, it's gonna be rainy. So you know how to physically equip yourself, you know that you're going to bring your rain jacket and your rain boots, and you're going to dress accordingly. It's the same idea with the season. If you know you're in the coping season, you adjust your expectations, you have the tools ready, you're like, Oh, yeah, we're in coping. This is what we need when we're in coping.

Unknown: 00:06:33

This is absolutely brilliant. I love it. I love it. Because some people when they're going through tough times in the relationships, we want everything to be better so quickly, and not realizing that we need to go through different phases. And we are such cyclical beings, as people as humans, we, we live according to the circadian rhythm, we go through seasons, you know, in our in nature, we have menstrual cycles that are cyclical, like everything is in cycles. So why wouldn't we think of our relationships this way as well? Right. This is amazing. So you said coping, then? Sorry, co steam hosting. Yeah.

Unknown: 00:07:18

And then connected? And then confidence. So let me describe coping, see, yes, yes, let's go into it. When you are in the coping season, it means that there is either an external factor or an internal factor that's really pulling all of your resources. So your time your energy.

Unknown: 00:07:36

Mm hmm. So maybe something like a new job or a new baby. Right. So a milestone that's occurred in the in the family environment.

Unknown: 00:07:46

Yes, it could be an illness, it could be a death in the family, it could be even something really positive. that's intentional, like a renovation. But that also takes a lot of your time and energy and finances as well, because those are also a resource that impact how we feel. There's also internal factors. So when there's a breakdown in trust, right, and sometimes it's people think a breakdown of trust, they automatically think faithfulness issues, often break down. And trust can really be the simple daily moments where a person is not feeling seen, heard and understood over a long period of time. And that can erode just the general trust in a relationship. So there's, there's different factors that can put a couple in the coping season. But when you're able to acknowledge like, Oh, yeah, we know that there's still a lot of love there. It's not about that you don't care for each other that you don't respect and honor each other. It's like, oh, there's some big stuff that needs our attention right now. And we all only have a finite amount of time and energy.

Shaista Fatehali: 00:08:51

Mm hmm. So sometimes it's like the survival mode.

Allison Villa: 00:08:55

Yeah, that'd be a great way to say it. Yes. survival.

Unknown: 00:08:58

Hmm. That is just so I love how you said that. I love how you described it. Because I think, as you said, Everyone goes through that, right? Everyone has that. So I just had a baby like last year, but I'm still in that coping mode. And now that you're you the way that you've defined it, I'm able to say I'm in this like, I can actually describe myself. So it's a beautiful way of just being okay of where you are and acknowledging it and know that it is. That's just where I am right now. Yeah. So how does it feel to name it? Oh, my gosh, this, you know what it feels like a relief. So, you know, just knowing that it's normal to go through this and just knowing that I can name it. It's something that is there that is outside of me. It's external, but it's still part of me, right? And it's not something out in the wilderness. There. That doesn't happen to anyone. It's um, it's it's very common and this coping stage. Oh, I love this validation,

Unknown: 00:10:08

I think is the word that comes out. validation and relief and feeling like you're not the only one. Yes, exactly. Exactly. And to your point, you know, so many parents, especially in even if you have a child, that's three and under, it's very likely that you are in the coping season. And sometimes people will think, Oh, my gosh, that feels like a long time. But really, if you think about your lifespan, it's not that much time. But also just to normalize a name, that, you know, we give ourselves permission, sometimes at the first year with a new baby is the is the hard year. But there's also some other challenges. Like there's a lot of names, and something happens when the youngest turns three, it's like, oh, there's a shift, something changes. There's a little more space for for other things, which is really interesting.

Unknown: 00:11:01

Absolutely. And I feel like naming the coping season gives an immediate sense of safety. It's like I'm in survival mode, but I'm safe. It's okay to be here. Yes. Yeah,

Unknown: 00:11:15

you are okay to be here. And think about when you're in survival mode, it's your time to receive, and especially for looking at new parents who are in the coping season, this is your time to receive, you know, as you know, humans are herd animals were meant to live in villages, to have the support of our community. This is how our ancestors got through the coping season, we lived all together and helped each other. And we're living in this modern time where it's, it's for the most part, you know, many families are like, the single family. It's the burden is on the couple. Right? The two parents within that home. I know, you know, not depends on, you know, where you live different cultures, but that's what we're seeing a lot right now. So that is putting even more pressure on the couple on the relationship when they're in the coping season?

Unknown: 00:12:05

Absolutely. And for a single parent, they may stay in a coping season for a very long time. Mm hmm.

Unknown: 00:12:15

Yeah, and you know, you can also look at the seasons with and look at your relationship with self, right. Sometimes we're in the coping season with ourselves. And, and so as a single parent, you could even think about the seasons just in your own relationship to self, which is a really beautiful way to look at it. I know that that's helped a lot of people along the way, too, that I've worked with is really understanding Oh, yeah. Like, everything starts with our relationship with ourselves first, right? Absolutely.

Unknown: 00:12:44

So I mean, I the coasting season sounds pretty good to me. I mean, it's about coasting. So

Unknown: 00:12:54

when you move, like as you know, it's very gradual. And when you move into coasting, I call coasting. The red light, like the red zone, it's kind of a danger zone season because coasting, it does feel a lot better than coping because you don't have this big thing pulling your time and energy anymore. But as a couple, you're probably trying to navigate Oh, what is what is our relationship look like? Now, now that we're out of coping, we've dealt with this big change in our lives, and you have to almost rebirth your relationship. And so sometimes when we're coasting in the coasting season, we're really great at family time, but not so great at carving out the couple time, because we've been really accustomed to being in coping. So that's become the new normal, and then you move into coasting. And if you don't change that version of normal, then we can really stay in coasting for many, many years if we're not intentional. So this is where I call it the the danger zone, because you can stay in coasting until the kids literally move out. And that's when we see empty nest syndrome. Why we see a lot of divorce rates going up when the kids leave the house because that couple has been in coasting, and they haven't figured out how to carve out couple time, for a long time. They don't know each other anymore. It's really common.

Unknown: 00:14:15

You know, that makes sense. Because during this coasting period, it's kind of an opportunity to rekindle the relationship and if the intention is to rekindle, but the effort is not. The actions are not being put to that intention, then that's when they would stay in the coasting.

Unknown: 00:14:35

Yes, yes. And then coasting even further to the spending couple time often and coasting. I encourage each person to come back to themselves first. Because if you've gone through a big change in your life, you need to come back to your own self care to come here. Come back to your own sense of self and support each other in that. That is like really where the love and the foundation is in the coasting season is like I see As an individual person, go and take that walk around the block, go talk to your friend on the phone, go play hockey with your buddies, whatever it is, we need to come back to supporting each other in self care. So that we can be like, oh, like two solid individuals, and then come together as the couple. And that's how we see people move into the connected season when they support each other in that.

Unknown: 00:15:25

I love that that is so beautiful. I love how you said, to take care of yourself first, right? And to really be in touch with you, before you come together as a couple. Because I think that is so important. I'm assuming that's also something that gets lost along the way.

Unknown: 00:15:46

Yes, it really does. Especially when we're talking about becoming parents, you know, this is a rebirth, like our sense of self, there's a lot of grief in becoming a parent, you know, grieving your, your old self, self, but then also welcoming this other like heart opening part of yourself too. And those things exist together. So yeah, there's a lot a lot of growth that happens.

Unknown: 00:16:12

Would you say this is the season when somebody may go into the coasting phase start tuning into themselves and have kind of a radical awakening for themselves, that then keep the couple in coasting and prevent them from disconnect and prevent them from connecting? Because they've then you know, sat there kind of on a different page a little bit?

Unknown: 00:16:43

This is a great question. And, you know, this can go whenever I have any either direction. And in actually the first episode of the couplehood podcast, I talk about my own experience of break down to break through because I had my own awakening. And I felt like oh, my gosh, if my husband is not going to be on the same path as me, then we might not be on the life path together. And, and that, those type of awakenings, everybody has their own version of that. And in those moments, you need to speak your truth. And that's the scariest thing to do. And there are one or two things can happen. You could speak your truth to your partner, and they can be inspired, and they can accept you and want to grow with you. Or you can shoot you can choose to share your truth, and they're not going to move forward with you. And you can choose to lovingly go in separate directions, and I'm all about I am, I am not about parents staying together for the sake of the child, I'm all about parents, living their truth and being happy as individuals first and if they can be happy together, that is wonderful. But our children need us to be happy. And if we're not happy in our romantic relationship, they aren't going to feel that they're going to internalize that. And that's the legacy that will live on.

Unknown: 00:18:04

And patterns will be repeated and different dysfunctional family dynamics can be repeated as well. So that's a really good point. I also want to want to know if somebody is going through this radical awakening, and is it possible that the partner is not ready for that, but they're going to come along maybe in a few years or later on?

Unknown: 00:18:29

Absolutely. So every every person has their own timeline. So if you're going through an awakening, think about your own process, you probably I mean, everybody's journey is different. Sometimes we have something really severe happen to us. And that is an awakening moment. Many of us have more more small changes and little nudges along the way that lead to our awakening moment. And so if you think about it in that way, your partner is also going to take time, the way that you have taken time to get to your own awakening process. And honoring that, right, we can't flip a switch. That's not how it works. And so really honoring that we all have our own timelines and keep doing, like keep doing you know, that is the best thing you can do in those moments, modeling living by example. And that is how we notice the that our partners can can come and join us along that journey. We just have to stay true to our own path with love obviously, and and patience and that it's that is a challenge. But it is possible. I've

Unknown: 00:19:31

seen it happen countless of times. Oh, I've seen it happen so many times. And I know that it's a very uncomfortable space to be in with couples at that time. Yeah, but sometimes it's such a beautiful, beautiful outcome later on.

Unknown: 00:19:46

Yeah, the challenges in your relationship or your greatest opportunity for growth and for deeper connection.

Unknown: 00:19:53

Mm hmm. It is and now the next season is connection is about that. That sounds really exciting.

Unknown: 00:20:02

The connected season is really beautiful. So this is when you both have a really great self care practice, you're good at carving out consistent couple time, it's normal for everybody in the family, the kids support it. Everybody's on board. And now you are getting really clear on your family and relationship vision.

Dimple Arora: 00:20:20

Wow. So, so tell me about when you when you had a breakdown in your marriage, then you had a breakthrough. Tell me about this season for yourself when you had went through this.

Unknown: 00:20:37

So for me, the short version of the story is that I had really been living my life. And and both of us my husband, and I been very intentional and crossing the things off the list that we really thought this is what we're supposed to do. And these are the things that we've been told would make us happy, you know, the the wedding, the kids, the house, the the job with benefits, all these things, we had crossed these things off the list. And then we had gotten to this point. We had two kids at this point. And they were, I don't know, maybe two and four. And that was my point where I just thought, I'm not okay with all this, like, I would be home all day with the kids, my husband would come home, and then I would leave to go out and see my clients as a therapist, right. So we would pass the baton, which is a really common thing. Divide and conquer. And I that did not feel good to me. And it didn't feel good for for many years. And I really missed my husband, I was like, why are we doing all these things, this is not, doesn't feel in alignment. We're doing all the things we're supposed to do. And yet, I'm not feeling the happiness that I thought I was gonna feel when I did all those things. And so that was the breakdown, for me was the realization that all of the shoulds the things that I was that I learned that I should be doing. Were in fact, not equaling the feeling and the lifestyle that I wanted. It wasn't bringing me joy. So that led to me speaking to my partner about that, obviously, and and asking him like, are you happy with this lifestyle? Like, is this what you wanted? And his initial response was, yeah, I am happy. I do like our life. And to that I was devastated. I thought, Oh, my gosh, like maybe this maybe we won't be on this journey together. But after we, you know, explored it even more, he was able to really ask himself, really honestly, oh, yeah. I don't think I am happy. I've been telling myself I'm happy. But I really miss seeing the girls growing up. I miss having really quality time with them. And this is really important, because he would not have done that deep internal exploration without my prompting, without me sharing my truth with him. Absolutely. Yeah. Sorry. Go ahead.

Unknown: 00:22:56

Yeah, no, that was my question. Because you said he came to that realization. And in my mind, I was thinking, How did he get to that realization? And it's through your prompting? And you also mentioned modeling? So is that something that you also did?

Unknown: 00:23:14

Oh, yeah, I mean, I've been as I'm a therapist, obviously. But I've been doing my own therapy for years and years, I've been with the same therapist for 20 years, I think. And, you know, in the beginning, when I went to my therapist, there was like a certain need, and I really needed to support through a certain time. And then it became something that felt like proactive care, this like gift of time, allowing myself to reflect and understand myself more deeply. And so this is what I do anyways, right? Like, I am all about deep and meaningful conversations with the people I love. And so that's what my husband and I did. We had a lot of conversations. Obviously, this is a huge thing that I brought up. It wasn't just, you know, a one I call it. It wasn't a one and done conversation. It was an on really an ongoing conversation for months and months. Like, how are we How are you? Are you really happy? Am I happy? You know, it was ongoing. And eventually that led to us really thinking like, Oh, we need to carve out some time, just some family time for us to come back to each other, come back to our family. And we decided to take a four month family sabbatical to Mexico. So that was like, we did a really like extreme lifestyle shift. And obviously, when you do something like that, it changes you on many levels. And since then, we've had incredible adventures. So four month family sabbatical led to us living there for a year and a half, led to us coming back to Toronto and being like, no, this isn't working anymore. And that led to us moving out of Toronto, which was our home for 20 years, and now we're living out in the country and just so in alignment and really, really happy.

Unknown: 00:24:54

Oh, sounds so good. That sounds wonderful. I mean, I know it was a huge process to get there. Huge, huge and that's what it is right? We're all evolving. And you were you recognize this need in yourself. So you became a catalyst for a change for the family. And that's how it how it goes right? And when one person is not feeling up to par in that strength that department or feeling strong enough to move forward on on decisions and one person takes the lead. That's okay sometimes, right? It is. Okay. It is it takes time. Mm hmm. Definitely.

Unknown: 00:25:36

So that's the connected season. And so that was that was he and I getting clear on our family and relationship vision, like what is actually important to us, if we say spending time as a family is important, then us dividing and conquering every day is not in alignment with that, like our words and actions aren't actually matching. So that was really neat to to move through that season. And then you move into competencies, and which is when Oh, my gosh, you are living your family and relationship vision, which feels in credible. So in our case, like here, we are living in Mexico, okay, like, in very, very simple, simple accommodations, but like literally walking barefoot to the beach every day, fresh fruit, learning a new language and plenty of hardships with all of those things I might add. But also Wow, we did it. We got here together, we had an aligned vision, and it brought us here. So empowering. such an amazing feeling to have as a couple.

Unknown: 00:26:35

Mm hmm. I'm so excited to hear you to hear you tell the story. Because right before the pandemic, we actually had a plan like this as well to go to India. Oh, and we said, you know, let's have a life experience as a family. And it's one thing to check out, check off all the things on the bucket list when it comes to your dreams. But there's also something about stepping out of your comfort zone, while you're living the intentional life to do something different and to bring those values to life. Right? Otherwise, if you don't, if you don't step out of that comfort zone, you're never going to do something different for your family. Mm hmm. Right. So that is that's amazing.

Unknown: 00:27:26

Yeah, it was life changing. And obviously, for our kids, you know, they ended up going to this amazing school learn Spanish. And to this day, like I would say, they talk about Mexico almost daily. It's such a big part of their experience. They were five and seven, or like four and six time when we went and so it's just a huge part of their identity, and living there. And yeah, it was just really, really positive for all of us. It's that reminder, right? When you take care of yourselves your own needs as a couple as adults as individuals, your children benefit. It's It's such a gift to them when you allow yourself to dream big. So that's the competencies and competencies and also is really awesome, because this is where you get to get clear on your intimacy vision. And we often think intimacy as physical intimacy, but it is so much more than that. intellectual, emotional, spiritual, there's so many different types of intimacy. And so when you're in that confidence season, when you have gone through so many things together and been so intentional, you, you get to explore this next level of intimacy, which is pretty, pretty special.

Unknown: 00:28:41

Yeah. And it takes you to an entire new level as a person as well. You just evolve you feel so, so amazing. And so evolved, right? And what about Okay, so a lot of I'm sure couples will come and they, when they come for therapy to begin with. They may feel resentful, disconnected, really frustrated. And so how do they move into the next season if they're in that space?

Unknown: 00:29:13

Well, it really depends on the couple. Yeah, I mean, the number one thing that all couples need is to be listened to and truly heard by each other. And that is the ultimate starting place. Because often 100% of us, we listen to reply, instead of listening to understand and that we see that play out in so many different ways within every couple, but essentially, that's what it comes down to. If you are not feeling heard by your partner. Then you use all different tactics, you change your tone of voice, maybe you're not as nice as you'd like to be or and it all comes down to your feelings. by them and or vice versa. Right. So how do you lead that is the starting place, and that is the foundation of communicating and listening to each other.

Unknown: 00:30:11

At our on our last few weeks our podcast, we've been focusing on empowered communication, and how to start communicating rather than trying to be heard in a way that's not effective.

Unknown: 00:30:26

Yes, sees all it all connects, everything is all in alignment. What a gift that you're talking about that it's so important. Yeah, no,

Unknown: 00:30:35

absolutely. I think it just also, really what I'm thinking about is how it changes the dynamics and the patterns within the family. Because now all of a sudden, you're communicating in a way that is effective with your partner, and your children are watching that. And like, that's just going to be ingrained in them. So when they are older and have their partners, they're not going to communicate in a way that is ineffective, they're going to see and learn from you. And they're going to carry that out. It's like a whole new system, right? That you're you're putting into your family, which is so empowering. And so I'm trying to think of the right word, it just seems so fulfilling, right? That you're you're creating this, not just for yourself, but for generations, just like you said, it's your quote, it's Yeah, it is, right. It's,

Unknown: 00:31:38

it's, it's not selfish at all, we think, Oh, my gosh, we're carving out time for each other, we must be so selfish, but it's the opposite. Right? It's, it is such a gift for your kids to see loving each other. Because that makes them feel secure in the world. They learn that that's what you know, healthy loving relationship looks like in action in real time. And then they model that and they continue that and then they know what to look for in their own relationships as adults. And that's how it's like, I think you use the word. It's almost like upgrading the generational patterns when you do that.

Unknown: 00:32:11

And it comes back to those epigenetics. Yes. Right. And what we are, we can literally change the DNA of future generations by what we're modeling today. It's fascinating. It really fascinating. Well, Allison, this wisdom has been so enlightening. Thank you so, so much for bringing your wisdom to the podcast today. And we want to know more about your work. Where do we find you? And how can we find out more about your work on this topic?

Unknown: 00:32:45

Yes, well, you can find me at Alison Villa calm. So Alison has two L's and an eye. Villa is also vi l l. a. So Allison villa.com. So all of my offerings are there. And I would recommend go and take the free quiz to find out your relationship season. And that free quiz is at Allison Villa calm. And I have a monthly membership program that is specifically designed for parents to reclaim the passion and play in your relationship. And it's called couples sandbox. So you can check that out. Also, the doors are only open a couple times a year. But there is a waitlist so that you'll be the first to find out when those doors open. And I am on Instagram quite regularly. And my What is it called? My handle is Alison, double underscore villa. So two L's in my first name two underscores and the two L's and my last name as well. Very nice. podcast. Right. We do have a podcast. Yes, called The couple had podcasts, which is all things to do with parents and how to keep your couples thriving after having kids. Love.

Unknown: 00:33:59

Yeah, love it. And I love your podcast. It's It's so amazing. And it's so helpful. It's so helpful. Thank you. Thank you so much for joining us. And we will post all of this information as well in the show notes so that everyone can connect with you. And we're so grateful to have you here today. And, and any last words for for our listeners about anything about relationships or what they can do to get to the confident season.

Unknown: 00:34:32

I would just say stay consistent. Small steps have a big impact. So think about your relationship like a plant. You want to water it a little bit every day. And just give it that love. It can just be a simple, simple act that you do every day saying what you're grateful for before you go to bed at night. It's the small little things that you do on a daily basis that really make a difference.

Unknown: 00:34:55

Absolutely. Thank you so much Alison, once again, and We will connect soon.

Allison Villa: 00:35:02

Thank you ladies taking care.

Dimple Arora: 00:35:03

Thank you. Bye.

Unknown: 00:35:10

Thank you for joining us on the IM mom parenting journey. If you enjoyed today's episode, please follow us and head on over to iTunes to leave us a review.